Apr 15, 2010

Destruction from Adultery-Part 3

 This is the third chapter of this life experience I am sharing with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing.  I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

He had fallen in love with a co-worker.  Someone I knew.  Someone I had been out with socially.  Suddenly so many things made sense:  the out of town business trips-he was at her house, the different smells-came from her, unreachable-time spent with her.  I begged and pleaded with both of them to stop this madness and let us get on with our lives together.  We could still fix this.  We had a family that needed to be protected and cared for.  My words were in vain.  Neither would relinquish.

So he moved out-left me and our daughter with no car and no job.  I continued to plead for our marriage.  I couldn't face that it was really over.  This is not what I had signed up for.  Divorce was not an option.  I had stayed with him through so much.  I had followed him from city to city with his job promotions. Our daughter needed her parents together. This couldn't be happening!

The affair continued right in front of me.  I decided I didn't want to live in the same city with him and so many memories of life together.  This is the city where our daughter was born.  It was haunted.  Too many things were there to remind me of what once was. Our friends told us they couldn't choose between us, so they would not stay in touch with either one of us.  My heart was shattered in many directions.  I decided to move to a new city where I had not lived with him before to start over fresh.

Depression set in deep and fast.  I couldn't cope with the reality that was before me.  It was too much.  I went to live with my brother for a couple of weeks because I couldn't function.  My daughter needed attention and I couldn't move myself to do anything.  She was scared and confused, and I had no capacity to coach her through it.  I didn't want to be a part of this life any longer, but I didn't want to die either.  My daughter needed me and I couldn't give up.  I wanted escape from this horrific reality that had become my life.  I saw many doctors during this time.  My mom took great care of me, and gently led me through all that needed to be done. It took a long time for meds to move me out of the dark hole where I had taken up residence.

I began going to counseling and it changed my life.  I credit this fantastic man with saving my life.  I can't describe the process of healing that took place.  It was like putting pieces of a puzzle together, where he helped me find the ones that had been stuck in the box for a long time.  The hurt, confusion, and anger were still there, but I was beginning to make peace with my situation.  It was a long journey.

I found a job, started going to a new church, and bought a house for my daughter and I.  The divorce was quick, but agonizing.  Emotions dictated decisions.  I was only happy that my daughter was young enough to not remember seeing her parents at their absolute worst.

My daughter is now  19 and attending college in Accounting.  Remarkably  through God's grace, she survived our divorce far better than I ever thought possible.  She is a beautiful young woman with a fantastic life before her.

Have you noticed that through this story there has been no mention of God's place in this disaster?

To be continued....

Protecting Your Marriage

~I cannot speak highly enough of Christian counseling.  Sometimes it can seem too expensive, but your marriage is worth the investment.  In my case, individual counseling made life bearable during the darkest times.  It helped me keep my sanity.
~Marriage is a team sport, and everyone must participate!
~Pride, shame and guilt can keep you from getting the help you may need.  Please quickly put these aside and focus on helping yourself get better.  Depression and anxiety are medical conditions that can be controlled to help you manage life in difficult situations.


Chele said...

I love you Cherie!!!! :) I am humbled by your openness about this. You are beautiful my friend!

Tailored Trash Queen said...

Hello Cherie! I am reading along and finding many things to identify with you about. I have a long story myself. One thing that I wanted to share with you is that it is comforting to know another faithful Christian who realizes the value of medication to help with anxiety and depression. Many well-meaning "friends" have told me that I shouldn't need the medication if I'm where I'm supposed to be with God. Personally, I think nothing could be farther from the truth. If we will take an aspirin for a headache we should be able to explore the benefits of medication for other conditions. I am currently on medication and it has made me able to cope and deal with my life. Thank you for sharing your story so openly!

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