April 15, 2010

The Destruction from Adultery-Part 2

 This is the second chapter of this life experience I am sharing with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing. (First chapter is here.) I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 
It didn't take long for my husband to realize that something wasn't right.  I had no intention of telling him anything.  But one night, it all came flowing out, brutal, ugly, and confusing.  Of course, he was devastated.  I believe I killed a part of his soul that day, and it still rings as clear as a bell in the dark places of my memory.  We existed in a haze for quite some time, but determined to stay together and work through it.  We saw a couple counselors and eventually moved on with life.

We decided to have a baby.  Like most young and naive couples, we thought that would bring us closer and help us get through this time together.  We had always talked about it.  Our beautiful daughter was born in 1990.  We were a happy little family, or so I thought.

Another promotion came, this time to Minneapolis, Minnesota-a place I had never been.  My first time in the city was the day we moved there.  We lived in a hotel for a couple weeks while we found a place to live.

I found another great job, even better than the last as an Executive Assistant at a collection agency.  It was very interesting work, and I really enjoyed getting to know the employees.  My husband and I found entertainment in drinking....lots of drinking.  Our daughter turned 2 the year we moved and we lived here for about 2 years.  I was ready to try for another baby, but my husband said he wasn't ready.

Before I knew what hit me, my world began to unravel at a pace I couldn't think possible.  Another job transfer was offered back to the city where we had moved from.  I really didn't want to leave this time, as I loved my job and was really tired of moving.  As I started the process once again,  it became very clear that something was very wrong.  My husband was disappearing at times and I couldn't locate him.  He was on lots of out of town business trips, and unreachable.  He came home smelling different.  He found excuses to not be at home in the evenings.  No, it didn't make sense at the time, but it soon would.

The ugliness of betrayal once again reared it's wretched head and we were deep in the mire of more adultery.  Even as I write this, parts of me still can't believe it.  It seems I am writing about someone else's life, fiction if you will.   I did live through it, but barely.

The truth of his deception was more than I could bare.  For 8 years he had carried unforgiveness and resentfulness in his heart.  He couldn't get past my adultery and had stopped loving me.  I couldn't believe I had lived a lie for so long.  How had he hidden this from me so well?  We didn't have a perfect marriage, but it wasn't that bad.  We still had good times together.  We still loved our daughter to pieces.  How had this happened?  How had he allowed this to go on for so long without trying to work through it with me?  These are questions of which I still don't have answers.

To be continued.....

Protect your Marriage

~If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.  Be proactive in your marriage.  Don't wait until something is VERY wrong, before discussing it.  Little things turn into big things very quickly.
~I highly recommend counseling, but the key is finding a Christian counselor who shares your core beliefs.  Anyone else will not relate to your convictions and therefore will not have the right advice for you.
~Too much time away from each other will create individual lives that divide.  It is great to have outside interests, but limits and boundaries must be set. Find common interests to do together.
~Unforgiveness and bitterness are poison to the heart.  If you have the least bit hiding in your heart, it must be addressed.  Yes it hurts to work through disagreements, but the alternative is worse.


  1. Wow, girl... that's all I can say today. This is such a hard topic. I thank God, he gave it to you to share. :) Hugs my friend!

  2. I am so grateful for your honesty throughout these posts. They couldn't have been easy to write, but they are such important warnings for all of our marriages! Thank you!

  3. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. God uses all things to bring glory to His name, even the ugly stuff.


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