Apr 14, 2010

The Destruction from Adultery-Part 1

I have a life experience to share with you over the next several days that is very personal and soul bearing.  I entrust this experience to you with the confidence that you will not be judgmental, or think any differently of me, but will have an open and learning heart through the telling of this story.  We are all tempted to sweep the dirtiest, ugliest parts of our lives under the rug in the hopes that no one will see it.  That somehow if it is never mentioned, it can be forgotten like it never happened.  I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that I can help prevent someone else from living through this horrific experience themselves. 

Adultery has become an epidemic in this country.  We see it everywhere, especially in Hollywood, as if it were an acceptable practice.  Sadly far too many people have been touched and effected by it, and it is ugly.  It destroys lives and families, friendships and relationships.  And life is never the same......

I was married at the age of 20 to my high school sweetheart.  We moved into a one bedroom apartment in the city, both had good jobs, and quickly made friends.  My dad died of cancer when we had been married for only 8 months. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my lifetime.  But our marriage was pretty good for that first couple years.  Then he began doing so well at his job that he was given more and more responsibilities.  I didn't see him much.  A promotion moved us to another city.  So we started over, making new friends, finding a job for me.  I saw him even less.

I found a job I really enjoyed.  The people were fun, and very different from anything I had experienced, a road construction company.  I threw myself into my work and got some promotions of my own.  He wasn't home much, so I went out with work friends a lot.

Conversations happen.  You get to know people by sharing your life with them.  I was still grieving the loss of my dad.  Turns out my supervisor had lost his dad in much the same way.  We talked a lot about that.  We went to lunch to discuss work, but discussed ourselves, sharing information........information that should have been only for our spouses.

Like an out of body experience, it all happened before I knew what hit me.  We had spent so much time together, feelings quickly developed. Plans started emerging to find ways to see each other outside of work.  He had become my best friend and confidant.  He understood me in ways my husband didn't.  My husband wasn't paying attention to me, still involved in work and deep responsibilities.

Another promotion was offered in yet a different city.  He didn't hesitate to say yes.  My heart was a mess.  My deceit was deep.  I drug my feet during the moving transition.  I made it happen as slow as possible.  Even though this new city was an hour away, I found reasons to return to my job to "help" those who I had left in charge after I had resigned.  I spent more futile time with him.

I could give many excuses and reasons to justify my behavior.  Like, my husband wasn't there for me when I needed him, or it wasn't adultery because it wasn't physically consummated, or I really needed someone who could understand what I was going through after the loss of my dad.  All empty and hollow excuses for my deep sin and betrayal.  My heart was fully engaged.  He had taken the place of my husband.

To be continued........

Protect Your Marriage

1.  Make an agreement with your husband that neither of you will have any meals alone with anyone other than each other.
2.  If you spend any time at all thinking about someone repeatedly throughout the day, you need to examine those thoughts and turn away.
3.  Guard your conversations with others by not sharing personal information and feelings that should only be shared with your spouse.


Layton Family Joy said...

this is so important, because mostly it starts out emotional! I had a facebook account I was writing to old (male) friends - knowing nothing would ever develop physically.

But I had already started looking forward to chatting with them while my husband was doing something else. I liked the attention - and a marriage counselor spoke at our church. "Even emotional affairs are adultery because we are giving our best to someone besides our mates".

We get so wrapped up on the physical side of adultery - but our heart is the 1st to go. I felt so convicted, I told my husband what I had been doing, apologized, and to prevent my heart from being filled by any one besides my husband I ended up deleting all males from my facebook account.

It seemed drastic to some, but we're told over and over to "guard our hearts".


Chele said...

Oh my.... girl, do you, Stef and I have something in common. Your story is very similar to mine. Something I have only shared with Jesus and one IRL friend. I still struggle about what I did... even if it's not physical. I love you Cherie! Thank you for being Real!

Sara x said...

Thank you for being so open and honest.So man temptations come to us all, reading this has reminded me to work on my marriage. I love my husband but some times I know we take each other for granted.

This is a wonderful wake up call xxx

Teri Lynne Underwood said...

Thank you for being so honest!! It's so easy to let our marriages slip into destructive patterns ... one tiny choice at a time. Great list of things to avoid!

Mandy said...

Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing your story! This is a great series you are starting! Wish I had known you were doing it - I would have had you guest post on! Lol Ah, well... I will still follow it and help promote it as much as possible!

JamericanSpice said...


I'm so proud of you for sharing your reality. If only we shared ourselves openly with others, then they'd realize they didn't struggle alone and we'd know how to comfort each other.

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